What Lies Behind

Finally we're at the end of 2014, there's so much things and memories to treasure along this year. University memories are absolutely one of the best moments, i got into student council, running a fashion show competition with a super weirdo theme called 'dia de muertos', becoming the part of a crazy-wild-team of dekdok, sinking into the ocean of business because of all of it and so many more.

 I would call 2014 is a year of patience and learning all the things i never wanted to know before. I started learning about the thing that hasn't come to my mind after almost 6 year of hiatus (of loving someone, actually) and how to deal with them. And i called it my summer.

Summer is like reading the first page of nicholas spark's book. It was wonderfully written and too good to be true. It was sweet and all, but well, thing is sometimes always not like what it seems. One day, he just walked away, like summer leaving the year and at the very first day of autumn, he's completely gone. As for myself, i didn't regret a lot about summer, it's more like, he taught me how to cope with things i was afraid to face before.

And then, Autumn was always part of the falling memories. Remembrance is always the song of autumn, so i started remembering Abel like i used to, but soon to realize that i cannot do this anymore. And i was right in time to say that, and soon after i decided myself, his brother came in help for me to get his belongings to the garage. I might never recover from that scars, but to know that i finally close the book it just.. calms me down (even sometimes i cannot resist to remember it again and played his recording on my mind)

But here's the thing about life,

"if you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello"


And as for winter, it turns out behind the pale looking sky and the cold winter night, i found star. A bright star, it's such an irony since it took me so long to realize there's a fair star out there in the sky, but i'm glad that finally i could see it.

Short said, 2014 is awesome but 2015 has so much for me.

I cannot wait to see what happen next in this brand new year!

Dor

Things are getting better lately, i haven't complained much about life but more like accepting it. It's a good lesson, since complaining doesn't really solve anything better. And lately i found that letting go is actually one of probably the best decision i've made for S, i didn't have time to write this in my blog but here i am.
About a few weeks ago i got the opportunity to help his brother to open up and clean all his belongings, i got to say, it's not an easy job but i'd really love to open 'a little' memories. And for importantly, finding his personal journal he used to write back then. Everything was still in the same condition. Room, desk, bed, and..

 Piano.

As much as i know, the view of the unused, dusty piano he used to play is the one that totally wreck my heart. And suddenly what Haruki Murakami's said is true, 'Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.' Suddenly i have this uneasy, unexplained feelings. It's both of sad and that warm feeling. I somehow feel like i'm home for a long long time, but at the same time, i feel like there's a storm raging on inside my heart.

I cannot really say much what happened after that. Overflowing memories, i'd say. To not cry at that moment was probably too impossible. I can still remember there are a lot of his belongings that really reminds me a lot of him. Paperworks, doodles, books, novels, handwritings, and so on. 

I saw books and it reminds me of the time when he used to tell me things about history and freakish things.
I saw records and it reminds me of his piano playing, and how he gorgeously calmed and amused me with it.
I saw doodles and it reminds me of the time when we used to draw things continuously.
I saw his handwritings and it reminds me of the time when he used to write things, poetry, stories, letters as he silently listening to the pouring rain.

A rare pluviophile, a freak, nerd, wallflower, pianist, poet, romantic, brainiac that's what he is. 

Forbidden to remember and terrified to forget, I can only note that scars probably have the strange power to remind me that my past is the best memories and that they're sad,

because we all know that they'll never happen twice.

A Look in the Glass

Yesterday i have a vivid dream about a girl.
A Green-haired girl.
Yes, green.

I don't really remember how she looked like but i remember the colour of her hair, it was green, not anything like leaf, but more like.. lake. Maybe this kind of green (i'm not sure what is it called, but i think it's emerald green)

I don't always write about dreams but when i do, it's usually something that i need to remember or just because it's simply awesome. And also, i don't always write about my dreams simply because most of them are nightmares, well, lately. And last night's dream is none of the above. It's that kind of dream that puzzled you.

It's started about 9 pm (well, in my dream, i have a strong feeling that it is 9 pm), i was reading and i sat in the middle of my house. I guess no one is home because it was so quiet, i can hear the clock is ticking. Suddenly, i have the sense that tell me to look at the outside, i cannot explain it. It was raining outside, and i saw nothing. It was completely dark. I looked outside through my window, and suddenly i realized there's a girl.

That green-haired-girl. She looked so.. perfect (?) i don't know, my thought said it that time.
She's smiling and wave her hand at me, so i waved back. And then, i feel something in my hand, it was blood. I realized i have blood all over my body. But since i'm not that scared of blood and i'm getting used to this kind of scenario in my dreams (let's just say that i have so many nightmares before this until i get used to it) i'm just.. feeling alright.

And that girl didn't really say anything. She's just smiling, that kind of smile that makes you calm.
Then i hear piano play, and noticed that the green-haired-girl is only a reflection.
Yes, reflection in the glass. And definitely not mine.

It was so weird. Everything got back to normal when the green-haired-girl gone. And the piano play turn to the sound of the rain again.